The Birthday Disappointment

Yesterday was my birthday. I only ever want one thing for my birthday. It’s not hard. You’d think my wife would want to give it to me. It costs nothing.

I don’t need new grill tools, or the latest gadget, or friends to come over. The only thing I ever want is physical, intimate sex with my wife. That’s it. Seems so easy. Guess I should have asked. But with the ‘ask’ comes the rejection. I shouldn’t even have to ask, she has been married to me for 17 years. How does she not know this? Maybe she doesn’t know this.

Oh well, my birthday is over now. It’s all over now. Time to move on.

~James

5 thoughts on “The Birthday Disappointment

  1. Might it work to start a recurring free birthday request ritual? It could start with her birthday so she could be expecting the same to happen on your next birthday.

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  2. Dude. If you set your expectations that sex is for special events, she will use it as an additional excuse for why you don’t have sex more often. This is on her. She’s freezing you out. To the point of being borderline abusive. It’s absolutely relationship abandonment to just deny someone who wants intimacy and partnership any physical affection and reinforcement.

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    1. It’s all a bunch of BS anyway. I checked out of this marriage earlier this year, and was stupid for me to even think that there was a remote possibility of sex even happening. It was foolish of me, whether it is right or wrong on my wife’s part. I feel a blow up coming. I’m going to blow up. I’ve been tip toeing around this marriage like a coward and I’m done. I’d like to make it known that I will not be moving forward as a coward in this marriage without the blowup. But maybe a blow up is what is needed.

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      1. No. Be calm. Talking is always going to be better. ‘I want to make it very clear. I want to be married because we chose this, we chose each other, we committed. I am not perfect, you arent perfect but we don’t seem to be partners now. You don’t seem to try. I love you but I cannot be room mates with my wife, and have her just be my wife on paper and play a part. I want a real partner and I don’t know how to communicate with you and work with you right now. I don’t feel you communicate with me. We have no intimacy. If we do not choose to work on this together, I am done. I cannot do this, without a plan of how it can get better. I feel shut out. I feel I need you to communicate with me. I feel alone. I feel hurt. I don’t know what you feel aside from thinking you’re angry and don’t really love me. Without a lot of work, this is all fake. We and our children deserve better. Our children shouldn’t grow up thinking this is a normal relationship . Neither of us seems happy. Teaching children to stay in misery is a terrible idea. It’s bad for them, and it’s not good for us. So. Take your time. Think. Come to me or write to me or communicate somehow what you think you want to do. We choose to work together, intensively. Or we choose to figure out how to not be together. This terrible misery is doing nothing.

        Remember: God loves you so so so soooooo much more than he hates divorce.

        Remember: many of Gods ‘favoured’ were not faithful, or were very very flawed. David sent bathshebas husband into battle to die to get in her pants. And god wasn’t pleased but he didn’t turn his back on David.

        God doesn’t forsake you when you go through hard stuff and you have done your best. Whatever happens going forward… it’s not failure. It’s change. It took me a really really long time to come to terms with it, and my husband cheated with hookers- most people think it should have been ‘easy’ … it’s not. But being married also ain’t your only ‘thing’. You have done a lot of self work lately, and you’re trying really hard- I have read your blog for years. You’re doing the work. Your wife seems- cold – almost completely checked out. Embittered. Marriage isn’t easy but she picked this too. So she has some vows to honour. Being an angry cold woman while you struggle through very real mental health struggles and being completely shut down sexually is… it’s … I cannot even fathom it. I am a woman who loves touch, and even when I knew my ex was cheater I still found comfort in some of his behaviour. Some of his touch. I don’t understand how she can be so cold. And pretend or tell herself she is doing her best in the marriage. And you mentioned she’s also depressed but it seemed like there was communication happening between her friend and that woman’s husband to you. Because she can’t even share with you. She either goes to personal counselling and works on finding a way to communicate with you, and you do the same, to receive and give her communication she can handle, and then monthly you guys have one session together to help try to bring you guys together…. or I don’t see this happening. I hurt so much for you. This seems so weird to me. Why would she want to stay married if she’s so miserable. I come from a very very very conservative church denomination- Nazarene. Both my parents are ordained ministers. My worst nightmare happened when I realized I was being cheated on, my personality and self confidence and personal thoughts on the situation meant- the man I married was a douche and terrible and I needed to leave. But my upbringing said – you have to try to get this right, work on it, recover if you can. And I tried. For years. But I couldn’t. And my parents… they are the best. They just love me. They have my back. They pray for the idiot I married, and they are loving to him in a ‘he was our son and we loved him and he brought you some happiness but now he’s not a part of our lives’ way. If divorce is what happens – stick with the people who have your back. Fuck the people who are pious. They don’t know. Only god can judge. And he loved David. So you’re ok.

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        1. You wrote exactly what I want to say to her. I don’t think I could have said it any better.
          I started a draft of what I want to say to her before I received this. but I’ll probably incorporate what you said because it’s right on. Thanks.

          Liked by 1 person

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