This Breaks my Heart

I am sorry to say that I have now come to the point where I am starting a list of things I need to put together before separating in our marriage.

I can not continue this roller-coaster of emotions. I cannot continue to try to give support and care to be told she doesn’t want to receive it from me. I need to move on. I’m not sure exactly what this looks like. Maybe we continue to live together. Maybe one of us moves out. I do still love her, and I am not asking for a divorce. I simply believe that we need some space to figure out how we can come back together.

This does break my heart, but we are just bringing each other down. I have not been able to go to her for support for years now, and she is going everywhere else looking for support except for me. Our relationship is toxic for each other and it affecting my relationship with my kids and I need them to know that I love them. I need to have energy for them and when I use all of my energy trying to make our marriage work, there is little left for them. I can’t keep putting energy into something that just drains it and throws it away.

My hope is that after a few months of separating we can both be in a better place and we will no longer be toxic for each other. I don’t know if that is possible, but what I do know is that what we have been doing for the last 17 years isn’t working either.

I am not sure if I will go down this road, but I am preparing for it. And, so, this list has begun. Things like opening a separate money account. Ideas about how time is spent with the kids. Understanding what friends I might lose. Writing down the passwords to her online accounts that I do know so she can have them without asking me all the time (I don’t keep them from her, she just can’t ever remember what they are).

I should also mention that as long as we are together, I’ll continue the gratitude journal, though I am not doing that as regular as I want. I will continue to be kind to her. I do want what is best for her. I will continue to do the chores I normally do around the house.

This is possibly the beginning of a new beginning or the beginning of the end, I’m not sure.

~James

Categories Depression, MarriageTags

12 thoughts on “This Breaks my Heart

  1. Well wishes

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Most welcome

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Not an easy decision there brother. As long as the kids understand what is going on. They need the truth no matter how much it hurts.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m prepping. This won’t actually happen for at least a week or two. Maybe longer. I want this to be thought out, and the kids will definitely have to know the truth. The end result I would be hoping for is that we get back together. My hope is that we need space to grow as individuals and space to grow nearer to God

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Pray hard brother. God will give you the answer and it will be a clear one.

        Space could be beneficial or detrimental. I will be in pray with you!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. James, sounds very much like where I was in my marriage of 17 years. It is okay to be at this place. It isn’t working for you both now and it sounds like for a long time. There doesnt sound like lack of love, but major resentment among you. This is part of the process of making it better, either you will decide this is the way it will be or it will change, still part of the process, good luck.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Time will really tell what happens here. Just prepping, and hurting that I even have to prep

      Like

    2. I agree, it sounds like there’s a lot of mutual resentment, which needs to be addressed in a way that works for both people.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. It does hurt. I know. I went through the “process” as in planning financially, even thinking of the words I would use. Spoke with an attorney even. Our relationship was toxic for each of us and especially for our kids. What scared me the most was that I didnt hate my husband. He was a good man who loved us, but our hearts were at war. We both needed to give each other some grace. We required outside help to help us get our crap together. I admit I worked harder to fix it than he did, but no relationship is really 50/50. Give yourself some grace. Also look up this book and give it a read if you can. The Anatomy of Peace. It helped me tremendously.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I am glad to hear that you are making changes.

    BTW, the reason I got divorced instead of separated is that my husband demanded that I financially support both households. I don’t earn enough money to support two households. He assumed my uncle would be giving me money. My uncle is 75, still works full-time and is NOT about to give a single penny towards the support of a 40-year-old man who is simply lazy. I had to push through the divorce in order to get our finances separated. I’d have been willing to consider dating my husband again once that was done, like as boyfriend-girlfriend without the financial ties, but he hates me now, so that’s that.

    Anyway, if you can swing a separation, I think it’s better. Even if divorce happens later on, I think separation first is better, and maybe you’ll be able to work things out once you’ve got some space. I hope it works out so both you and your wife can be happier.

    Liked by 2 people

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