I am sorry to say that I have now come to the point where I am starting a list of things I need to put together before separating in our marriage.
I can not continue this roller-coaster of emotions. I cannot continue to try to give support and care to be told she doesn’t want to receive it from me. I need to move on. I’m not sure exactly what this looks like. Maybe we continue to live together. Maybe one of us moves out. I do still love her, and I am not asking for a divorce. I simply believe that we need some space to figure out how we can come back together.
This does break my heart, but we are just bringing each other down. I have not been able to go to her for support for years now, and she is going everywhere else looking for support except for me. Our relationship is toxic for each other and it affecting my relationship with my kids and I need them to know that I love them. I need to have energy for them and when I use all of my energy trying to make our marriage work, there is little left for them. I can’t keep putting energy into something that just drains it and throws it away.
My hope is that after a few months of separating we can both be in a better place and we will no longer be toxic for each other. I don’t know if that is possible, but what I do know is that what we have been doing for the last 17 years isn’t working either.
I am not sure if I will go down this road, but I am preparing for it. And, so, this list has begun. Things like opening a separate money account. Ideas about how time is spent with the kids. Understanding what friends I might lose. Writing down the passwords to her online accounts that I do know so she can have them without asking me all the time (I don’t keep them from her, she just can’t ever remember what they are).
I should also mention that as long as we are together, I’ll continue the gratitude journal, though I am not doing that as regular as I want. I will continue to be kind to her. I do want what is best for her. I will continue to do the chores I normally do around the house.
This is possibly the beginning of a new beginning or the beginning of the end, I’m not sure.