A Surprisingly Hard Day

I have a pretty sweet blessing today to share. A couple of weeks ago, I asked my boss for a big raise. Today, I found out that I received a $6 an hour wage increase! I was thrilled and couldn’t wait to share with my wife.

I thought I was going to get a response of happiness and relief, but instead the news was met with disappointment and accusations of me lying about my previous wages.

My emotions are all over right now, from gratitude, to anger, to relief, to not feeling good enough, to motivated. I called a friend who helped me sort through these emotions and it was helpful. I need to refocus on the year’s agenda and continue moving forward. She may not love me anymore, but she can’t stop me from trying to enjoy life anyway. I have 2 kids that need to see a strong father.

~James

Categories Depression

5 thoughts on “A Surprisingly Hard Day

  1. Congratulations on the raise!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Congratulations, that’s a huge raise!
    I agree, keep moving forward.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You have been making the changes. I actually wonder if your deprsssion is in part contributed to by having a partner who just weighs on you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think that is a large component of my depression. Maybe not all of it, but it’s big.

      Like

      1. The reality is, staying together for the kids is a fallacy if you are both miserable. People whose parents split with dignity and respect and compassion for each other have a far better chance of their kids learning healthy relationship tools and guidelines, where staying together teaches kids that toxic behaviour is what love looks like, that misery is normal, that their needs should matter less than others (which isn’t true, put your oxygen mask first, you’re useless if we both end up unconscious) … it’s a disaster. If she or you is thinking ‘God hates divorce’, so you just try to white knuckle through it, consider this. God hates divorce, but he also divorced himself from Israel when the nation was not faithful. That’s the actual term used in ancient Hebrew. He is divorced. Additionally, him wanting a union to be for life is very different than just expecting you to be miserable. If you and your wife become silent compatriots in a split life, and are living separately but together, you are being dishonest. That isn’t what god would consider a marriage. A marriage is companionship, a yoking of hearts bodies and minds to be working together in life and being strangers in almost all things and celibate and only coming together to raise your kids, it’s not a marriage, it’s false. You’re lying to yourself and god and the world to think otherwise. What would your Heavenly Father really want? You to live your life honestly and be divorced, working on healing yourself, working on fellowshipping and growing in him without the facade, apart from your wife? Or pretending and lying to your church family and showing your children a messed up world, and potentially dealing with unhappiness and restlessness with your situation, never being able to breathe freely and try to work on recovering from the depression because you always have the lies sitting on your chest?

        What does god really want for you?
        There are lots of people who do things god isn’t a huge fan of. David slept around and set up a man to die in war and he was beloved by god. One of the favourites!
        Esther is not a great jew, hanging out with folks who are t her faith, biding her time in palace awesomeness because she’s pretty, and then when stuff is about to go sideways and Jews are in danger, she (an additional wife, not the first married) manages to save her nation, because god works through her. If god loves hookers and drug dealers and (oh my goodness the worst of them) mimes.,,, he can certainly deal with the fact that some of us are going to end up being divorced even when we work at it hard. Your wife has given up on the vows. The sickness and health. The richer and poorer, the love honour and cherish. She’s just saying fuck those things and I’ll keep you and be miserable about it until you and I die. That’s not gods plan either and she is being a bad Christian thinking that’s all that’s required to make god give her the thumbs up.

        Liked by 1 person

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