I see such disappointment in your eyes. I’m sorry. You say I can’t be trusted to follow through. You’re right. You say I don’t listen to you. You’re right. You have hopes and dreams, and I continue to crush them. I hear the disappointment in your voice. There’s no joy when you talk to me. I’m sorry I’ve robbed that from you. I’m not sure what January 16th actually means to me, but it isn’t good. It means something significant will happen. Maybe I leave the family in order to fix myself and get real help for my depression. Maybe I just accept who I am and that it’s not enough to make you happy and content. Maybe I just disappear. My biggest fear is that I can’t change. History understands. Married 16 years and we are back in the same place as we began. No money, me not earning my potential, unable to listen the common sense you talk about, worried I’m not enough, feeling inadequate, but loving you so much though I feel like I am unlovable.
I’m sorry. My mistakes won’t happen again after January 16th, one way it another.