Give up

I just want to give up. Life sucks. Or at least it’s my made up hard life.

I’m trying to figure out what’s real. My emotions are real, but are they justified?

I feel like my wife doesn’t like me. I can come up with hundreds of pieces of evidence to back that up. And just because I have a hard time finding evidence to prove that wrong, doesn’t mean it’s truth.

Work has been terribly stressful. I can’t keep up, my workload is unrealistic. My boss is doing nothing about it. Yet, I feel like I’m not measuring up. I feel like I’m not enough. I feel like I should be more.

At home, I am not completing projects. I’m not helpful enough getting chores done. I go from being tense at work to being tense at home.

At church, I feel like I am holding so much together. We are down to a part time pastor, who’s old and can’t do it all. Typically, our church has 2 full time pastors and 1 part time. So there are a few of us trying to hold it all together.

All of this is toxic for me. The 3 most important aspects of my life after for some reason being extremely demanding.

This doesn’t even include that my mom had a hip replacement and along with that multiple complications.

My sister in law going nuts and the possibility of my wife and I having to Foster her kids.

Life is so overwhelming.

The thought of leaving or just ending it all comes across my mind often.

~James

Categories Depression

10 thoughts on “Give up

  1. No. You can’t give up.
    You have to step back and look at what is priority…and you are are first– after God– priority.
    My friend, I see your posts from time to time. You have to be the one to take control of your life. Quit taking on more than you can chew, and know that God will help you through “all things”, as Christ has said.
    Take small steps. Talk to a doctor. Talk to a therapist. Be vigilant about fixing what is broken IN YOU FIRST. Everything and everyone else have to be set aside until you are in a good place. You are worthy!!! God bless you!! Remember, He loves you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Damon. The song Pieces by Red came on as I’m reading your response. God is real.
      In these times, I need to push all things side and go to God in pieces to make me whole again.

      [Verse 1]
      I’m here again
      A thousand miles away from you
      A broken mess
      Just scattered pieces of who I am

      [Verse 2]
      I tried so hard
      Thought I could do this on my own
      I’ve lost so much along the way

      [Chorus]
      Then I see your face
      I know I’m finally yours
      I find everything
      I thought I lost before
      You call my name
      I come to you in pieces
      So you can make
      Me whole

      [Verse 3]
      I’ve come undone
      But you make sense of who I am
      Like puzzle pieces in your hand

      [Chorus]
      When I see your face
      I know I’m finally yours
      I find everything
      I thought I lost before
      You call my name
      I come to you in pieces
      So you can make
      Me whole

      [Bridge]
      I tried so hard
      So hard
      I tried so hard

      [Chorus]
      Then I see your face
      I know I’m finally yours
      I find everything
      I thought I lost before
      You call my name
      I come to you in pieces
      So you can make
      Me Whole

      [Outro]
      So you can make
      Me whole

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Also, I want to point out that I tend to only blog when I’m at my lowest place. So what you see, is not always where I am

      Like

      1. Myself, and many others, know what the lows are like, and yes, you do feel like giving up. But the song is true. Keep the faith that has carried you through all of those times before. Keep moving forward.🙏

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Talk to the lady who owns this blog. She’s not a professional, she just has a passion to help those who experience what she has: Depression. She is good. Visit her blog. Blessings and prayers.

    https://jackies.life/2019/09/21/mental-illness-does-not-discriminate-it-affects-all/

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve been there- suicidal. In recovery I wrote a haiku…

    The desire for death
    The desire for otherness
    The desire for life

    When we’re suicidal, I don’t think we’re in our right mind. We think we want death, but really it’s a desire for otherness- something other than what we’re experiencing. I don’t think it’s right to have a death wish, or even to want to go to hell, deserve it though we may.

    I think in all of us, deep down, there’s a desire for life, not just existence, but eternally fulfilled life- after all, God has set eternity in the hearts of mankind. Praying for you brother that life would win through in you.

    In Jesus’ name, amen.

    John 16:33- “In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world”- Jesus

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Just make sure it’s the kind of otherness that pertains to life!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Lifting you up in prayer James.

    Liked by 1 person

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