Writing helps me process feelings and thoughts so a lot of my writing is raw unprocessed thoughts. This is probably a good example of that.
Today I woke up discouraged. It’s been a week and a half since we made love. It’s been about a month since I gave physical intimacy over to God for the next 6 months so that maybe I can get my perspective reset in this area and become the husband God wants, also looking for peace in times that she isn’t interested. This morning, I woke up discouraged. I realize that a week and a half isn’t long, but I was craving sexual intimacy from her 4 days after, and I know too well how a week turns into a week and a half and that turns into 3 weeks, and then it’s a month which is the most likely scenario giving the last year. However there have been times where it is has gone longer, even more than 6 months. And I realize that many of you are reading this, thinking what kind of loser I am to dwell on this, but I can’t help what I feel. I can help how I react to my feelings and that is why I am writing this today. I need to get the discouragement out. I need to turn back to God and let him handle this.
I guess right now, part of my problem is that I am not trusting God and I have low hope today that this part of our marriage will ever change, and if it doesn’t ever change, then that’s fine, but I have low hope in feeling peace about it. God, is this part of your plan to take us to the next level? What is this plan? Will I have to struggle with this forever?
Something else that is discouraging is that sex has become a reward for me in her eyes. I put her clothes away in her closet for her, she says I get sex. I create an impromptu romantic evening and I get sex. I worked on cleaning out the garage to get the Jeep in before the first snow, I get sex. It isn’t something she does because she loves me- it’s because I have done something. And that hurts.
So God, today I am seeking you. I am seeking peace. I am still seeking how I can take our marriage to the next level. I may be discouraged, but with your help, I can change that around. I just have to trust you. God I am renewing my promise to give physical intimacy to you. It’s the only way I am going to survive this without getting depressed about it. God you are awesome, and I love you. You are the mastermind behind marriage, so you know exactly what our marriage needs. God, forgive me for my lack of faith and trust and help me forgive myself for the lack of faith and trust, and help me forgive Anna in my heart for this even though she may not be doing anything wrong, and even if she is, I forgive her. I love you, I love Anna, and I love our kids and this life you have given me. Thank you God. Amen